How to Win Friends and Influence People

Tags: #books #howtowinfriendsandinfluencepeople #summary #mainpoints

Last Reviewed: 16/08/2024

• Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
• Summary: People don't like to be criticized or blamed. Criticism often provokes resentment and can damage relationships.
• Examples:
  • Instead of criticizing an employee's mistake, focus on what can be done better next time.
  • Avoid complaining about a colleague’s behavior; instead, try to understand their perspective.

Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

• Summary: Everyone craves appreciation and recognition. Offering genuine praise boosts morale and fosters positive relationships.
• Examples:
  • Compliment a friend on their hard work on a project.
  • Acknowledge a coworker’s efforts in helping the team succeed.

Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

• Summary: To influence someone, align your requests with their desires. Show them how your idea or proposal benefits them.
• Examples:
  • When asking a child to do homework, emphasize how it will help them play sooner.
  • Pitch a project to a client by focusing on the benefits it will bring to their business.

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.

• Summary: Show interest in others to build rapport. People appreciate when others care about them.
• Examples:
  • Ask a colleague about their weekend and listen attentively.
  • In a networking event, focus on learning about the other person’s passions.

Principle 2: Smile.

• Summary: A smile is a simple yet powerful tool for making others feel welcome and comfortable.
• Examples:
  • Greet your coworkers with a smile each morning.
  • Smile during a conversation to put the other person at ease.

Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest sound in any language.

• Summary: Remembering and using someone’s name makes them feel valued and respected.
• Examples:
  • Address a customer by their name during a service interaction.
  • Use a new acquaintance’s name frequently to establish rapport.

Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

• Summary: People love talking about themselves. By listening, you can connect with them on a deeper level.
• Examples:
  • Let a friend share their story without interrupting.
  • Ask open-ended questions that allow someone to elaborate on their experiences.

Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

• Summary: Tailor conversations to the other person’s interests to keep them engaged and connected.
• Examples:
  • Discuss sports with a colleague who is a big fan.
  • Share insights about a hobby you know someone enjoys.

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

• Summary: Acknowledge the other person’s value and contributions genuinely.
• Examples:
  • Thank a team member for their essential role in a project.
  • Express gratitude to a mentor for their guidance and support.

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

• Summary: Arguments rarely lead to agreement. It’s better to find common ground and avoid confrontation.
• Examples:
  • Instead of arguing about a political issue, find areas of mutual understanding.
  • Redirect a contentious conversation towards shared goals.

Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong.”

• Summary: Respect others' opinions, even if you disagree. Telling someone they are wrong can cause defensiveness.
• Examples:
  • Say, “I see your point,” before offering your perspective.
  • Acknowledge a valid argument from someone you disagree with.

Principle 3: If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

• Summary: Admitting your mistakes disarms others and earns their respect.
• Examples:
  • If you make an error in a report, admit it to your boss before they find out.
  • Apologize immediately if you’ve offended someone.

Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.

• Summary: A warm, friendly approach opens doors and eases tensions.
• Examples:
  • Start a difficult conversation with a positive comment.
  • Approach a negotiation with a smile and a handshake.

Principle 5: Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

• Summary: Start with questions or statements the other person agrees with to build momentum toward agreement.
• Examples:
  • In a sales pitch, ask questions that lead to easy agreements.
  • In a debate, begin with points that everyone can agree on.

Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

• Summary: Encourage others to share their thoughts and ideas. It makes them feel valued and heard.
• Examples:
  • In a meeting, ask open-ended questions and listen.
  • During a discussion, avoid interrupting and let others express their views.

Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs.

• Summary: People are more invested in ideas they believe they came up with.
• Examples:
  • Suggest ideas in a way that lets others take ownership.
  • Guide a discussion so that others arrive at the conclusion you wanted.

Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

• Summary: Empathy helps you understand and influence others more effectively.
• Examples:
  • Consider a customer’s frustration from their perspective.
  • Before reacting, think about why someone might feel the way they do.

Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

• Summary: Show understanding and sympathy towards others’ ideas and feelings.
• Examples:
  • Acknowledge a colleague’s concerns before presenting your case.
  • Validate a friend’s feelings even if you don’t agree.

Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.

• Summary: Appeal to the higher values and morals of others when persuading them.
• Examples:
  • Frame a request for help in terms of doing the right thing.
  • Motivate a team by appealing to their sense of pride and ethics.

Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.

• Summary: Make your ideas more vivid and interesting to capture attention.
• Examples:
  • Use a visual demonstration to emphasize a point.
  • Share a compelling story to highlight the importance of your message.

Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.

• Summary: People are often motivated by a challenge. Presenting a challenge can inspire others to rise to the occasion.
• Examples:
  • Challenge a sales team to break a record.
  • Encourage a student by challenging them to improve their grades.

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

• Summary: Start with positive feedback to make others more receptive to criticism.
• Examples:
  • Praise an employee’s strengths before addressing areas for improvement.
  • Compliment a friend’s efforts before suggesting changes.

Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

• Summary: Point out mistakes in a subtle way to avoid embarrassment and defensiveness.
• Examples:
  • Instead of saying, “You did this wrong,” say, “Perhaps we could consider another approach.”
  • Use a question to guide someone towards realizing their own mistake.

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

• Summary: Sharing your own mistakes makes others more open to feedback.
• Examples:
  • Mention how you struggled with a similar task before giving advice.
  • Admit your own errors before pointing out someone else’s.

Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

• Summary: Frame directives as questions to encourage cooperation and reduce resistance.
• Examples:
  • Instead of saying, “Do this,” ask, “Could you handle this task?”
  • Say, “How do you think we should proceed?” instead of giving an order.

Principle 5: Let the other person save face.

• Summary: Preserve the dignity of others, especially when they make mistakes.
• Examples:
  • Avoid criticizing someone publicly; address issues in private.
  • Offer solutions that allow someone to recover gracefully from an error.

Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

• Summary: Consistent, genuine praise builds confidence and encourages further progress.
• Examples:
  • Acknowledge a small improvement in a colleague’s performance.
  • Celebrate incremental progress on a long-term project.

Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

• Summary: Set high expectations by praising someone’s potential, encouraging them to live up to it.
• Examples:
  • Tell a student they have the potential to be a great leader.
  • Encourage a new employee by highlighting their strengths and future possibilities.

Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

• Summary: Encouragement reduces the fear of failure and makes challenges seem manageable.
• Examples:
  • Reassure someone that a difficult task is within their capabilities.
  • Break down a complex problem into smaller, achievable steps.

Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

• Summary: Present requests in a way that makes others feel motivated and eager to comply.
• Examples:
  • Frame a task as an opportunity for growth and recognition.
  • Highlight the benefits of completing a task for the individual’s own goals.